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iTunes Edit Preferences Devices iPhone
checked box "prevent iTunes from syncing automatically"
I think that will handle the music for now?
thanks for encouraging me to look

went to Apple store.
"genius" (he really WAS very good) told me that within the iPhone's total memory capacity, much is taken up simply by iPhone hidden software that is its operating system.
He agreed that since I'd deleted all music and had few apps, there still should be more memory available than was showing.
He told me to go home, plug in the phone, and when iTunes comes up, on the left tabs, choose the device (in my case, Elaine's iPhone) and then
follow the instructions to Restore original settings. It first backs up the content (calendar, Contacts, etc), then restores all defaults, then re-installs the information from the back up.
I did all that, the 'available memory' did reset itself ,and I got back my calendar and contacts. I've reset iTunes on my computer to sync music only manually, so I can choose which songs go on my phone, since all of them won't fit (a LOT will, but not all).
So the trip to the Apple store was worth it.